There are so many wonderful jokes about music and musicians. Here are some of them I like the most:
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“I’m told that Wagner’s music is not as bad as it sounds.” – Mark Twain
What’s the difference between God and a conductor?
God knows He’s not a conductor.
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How do you get a music critic out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
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Harpists spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.
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Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
The bassoon burns longer.
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What is a burning oboe good for?
Setting a bassoon on fire.
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What kind of microphone works best for an oboe in a live band?
A cordless with a dead battery.
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Standard opera plot: The tenor and the soprano want to make love, but are prevented by the Baritone.
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The Blues:
Blues locations:
– Chicago
– St. Louis
– Kansas City
– the highway
– a crossroads
– the jail house
– an empty bed
Not Blues locations:
– Disney World
– the mall
– gallery openings
– wine tastings
– a weekend in the Hamptons
Blues transportation:
– Chevys
– Cadillacs
– a Greyhound bus
– a southbound train
– walkin’
Not Blues transportation:
– Beemers
– hot air balloons
– escalators
– canoes
You can sing the Blues if:
– you shot a man in Memphis
– you can’t be satisfied
– “The man” doesn’t like you
– you’re an old black man
– you’re blind
– you play the guitar or piano
You can’t sing the Blues if:
– you are a teenager
– you are from North Dakota
– you wear a suit
– you have an IRA
– you play the oboe
Blues names:
– Sadie
– Big Mama
– Bessie
– Lightnin’
– Johnson
– Willie
– Joe (including Big, Old or Blind, but not Little)
Not Blues names:
– Sierra
– Buffy
– Chauncey
– Chad
– Julio Iglesias
– Barbara Streisand
Blues liquids:
– wine from a bottle in a sack
– Irish whiskey from a dirty glass
– muddy water (usually not for drinking)
Not Blues liquids:
– bottled spring water
– any mixed drink or a drink with a little umbrella in it
– mocha decaf
– kosher wine
Blues colors:
– blue
– brown
– black
– rusty
Not Blues colors:
– violet
– beige
– mauve
Blues lines:
– woke up this morning
– you ask for water and yo baby give you gasoline
– ma baby done left me
– in a flea bag hotel
– stabbed in the back
– fixin’ to die
Not Blues lines:
– while getting liposuction treatment
– after the tennis match
– I’m a cheerleader
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Do you know other jokes or funny quotations about musicians and music?
Please share them in the comments.