Music Humor

There are so many wonderful jokes about music and musicians. Here are some of them I like the most:

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“I’m told that Wagner’s music is not as bad as it sounds.” – Mark Twain

What’s the difference between God and a conductor?

God knows He’s not a conductor.

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How do you get a music critic out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

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Harpists spend half their time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.

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Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?

The bassoon burns longer.

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What is a burning oboe good for?

Setting a bassoon on fire.

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What kind of microphone works best for an oboe in a live band?

A cordless with a dead battery.

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Standard opera plot: The tenor and the soprano want to make love, but are prevented by the Baritone.
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The Blues:

Blues locations:

– Chicago

– St. Louis

– Kansas City

– the highway

– a crossroads

– the jail house

– an empty bed

Not Blues locations:

– Disney World

– the mall

– gallery openings

– wine tastings

– a weekend in the Hamptons

Blues transportation:

– Chevys

– Cadillacs

– a Greyhound bus

– a southbound train

– walkin’

Not Blues transportation:

– Beemers

– hot air balloons

– escalators

– canoes

You can sing the Blues if:

– you shot a man in Memphis

– you can’t be satisfied

– “The man” doesn’t like you

– you’re an old black man

– you’re blind

– you play the guitar or piano

You can’t sing the Blues if:

– you are a teenager

– you are from North Dakota

– you wear a suit

– you have an IRA

– you play the oboe

Blues names:

– Sadie

– Big Mama

– Bessie

– Lightnin’

– Johnson

– Willie

– Joe (including Big, Old or Blind, but not Little)

Not Blues names:

– Sierra

– Buffy

– Chauncey

– Chad

– Julio Iglesias

– Barbara Streisand

Blues liquids:

– wine from a bottle in a sack

– Irish whiskey from a dirty glass

– muddy water (usually not for drinking)

Not Blues liquids:

– bottled spring water

– any mixed drink or a drink with a little umbrella in it

– mocha decaf

– kosher wine

Blues colors:

– blue

– brown

– black

– rusty

Not Blues colors:

– violet

– beige

– mauve

Blues lines:

– woke up this morning

– you ask for water and yo baby give you gasoline

– ma baby done left me

– in a flea bag hotel

– stabbed in the back

– fixin’ to die

Not Blues lines:

– while getting liposuction treatment

– after the tennis match

– I’m a cheerleader

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Do you know other jokes or funny quotations about musicians and music?
Please share them in the comments.

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